Ahh I know I’m probably going to alienate a few people this week. Last week we were wading in the depths, earnestly disseminating the vocal credentials which contribute to a good passionate bellowing. Now this week we are way back in the shallow-end, tending to our truculent farm of ear worms.

Its my wife’s birthday this weekend – Happy Birthday my lovely – although I know you don’t read this either. Well she does like a party, and I like the excuse to dust off my ‘party playlist’. Like some sort of demented weekend DJ sifting through the depths of my MP3 collection, digging out the family friendly pop that will elicit a gently toe tapping whilst sneaking in the odd eyebrow raising eclectic Ukrainian hiphop number to gently remind people they are in the presence of connoisseurism.

At which point I generally get asked if someone else can ‘link their blue tooth device to my speakers’ ‘Yes of course, why don’t you use my toothbrush to clean your toenails and park your underpants in my refrigerator at the same time’… is something I never say.

So it is with a minor flourish that I reveal the party playlist formula in 4 tunes that is frankly nothing short of a master class.

Set the scene, you’ve got the balloons up, chicken drumsticks are in the oven, you have had a few sneaky beers before the guests turn up, but just as a warm up and to reward yourself for not burning too many of the salads. Some of your more punctual and less cool guests will arrive on time so you want to let them know that they have arrived at a party but this is a safe place and its definitely worth coming out for. The gentle promise of a good time. Several options here, but solid choice is going to be Everything Goes My Way by Metronomy.

Your guests are all here, the drinks are flowing the food is out, its a bit more raucous now, people are definitely in party mode. You need to bring it up a notch to increase the frequency of the happy beats. You almost certainly can go wrong with Busy Earnin’ by Jungle.

We are a couple of hours in now, the people who came just to be polite have gone, your close mates are certainly kicking into bottle number three of something and there is a dubious round of shooters happening in one corner which you are definitely a part of. A child is sleeping on a chair and there is smear of something sticky across the pillow she is holding. 75% of the balloons have been burst. This is where you can be a bit more bold, bring in something from left field, but remember its still a party so its not time for a 13 minute doom anthem. This one is a maker. Gotan Project are pretty well accepted but some people from a more conservative background may feel a little violated being rapped at in Spanish – so test them out with Mi Confesion. If they reach for their phones, send them home..

The children have been taken home or to a box to sleep in somewhere, several people have found the ‘good spirits’ and there is a round of teas circulating for people who sensibly know their age. Someone has probably found a cigar and there is very little happening in the form of dancing. You know you probably need to wrap it up and think about clearing away the broken glass, but the conversation is deeply repetitive and essential to the future well being of the universe, so we are not done yet. Time for something which feels intellectual, but actually is no smarter than a clip-on tie. John Kennedy and Pick Up Sticks. ‘Taxi for 14 please.’

Clearly I’m missing about 4 hours worth of ‘filler’ here where I take you, your wine and your humus dip on a roller-coaster of happy emotion. But if you want the full experience then you need to be on the invite list.. and don’t bring ‘raddler’ the security guards have been instructed to shoot on sight.